I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
