I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
pray to the hookup gods
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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