I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
