my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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