All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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