We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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