I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
