Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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