She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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