11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I heard we made out
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
