she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Shame - the story of my life.
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