Where did you get a picture of my penis
i barfeds in our rink
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He has the fingertips of a God
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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