Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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