We're like a lot better than the average bears
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You are the jesus of drinking
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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