So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
