Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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