Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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