My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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