you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
