listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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