my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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