I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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