Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
