She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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