when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
