So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
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