he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
