I'm so fucking centered right now
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
