i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
