I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
