she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How does one acquire holy water?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
