and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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