Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
