it wasn't lemon gatorade
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
