You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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