dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
