i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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