I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
