Tell her she can't have a vagina
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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