Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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