im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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