im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
