I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
