I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
