How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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