I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
