Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
