I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
