omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
