yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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