I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
