you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
