The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
