So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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