she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
