Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
