i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
