hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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