Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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