this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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